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Jimmy Kimmel took the stage at Disney’s annual TV industry presentation, which was perhaps more anticipated than ever given all the late-night turmoil over the past year.
the Jimmy Kimmel Live! The host made his usual no-holds-barred jokes about broadcasting and streaming — including the heads of his own ABC network — just weeks after surviving another effort by President Trump to cancel his show.
Here are Kimmel’s best jokes from his pre-monologue:
“I didn’t think I’d see you again either. Yes, the bad guy in data and measurement solutions is back.”
“I’ve been through a lot of shit this year which has made me really appreciate it this prattle.”
“You know, normally for ABC to pull you off the air, you have to throw a chair at your Mormon friend.”
“Yes, the president has tried to unsubscribe me for the last six months. That’s one way to look at it. The other way is, you could also say I ‘generated unparalleled engagement across a variety of platforms.'” Thanks in large part to our partners in Washington, our viewership is up 25 percent… It’s a big deal for your numbers to be up these days. However, if Johnny Carson ever woke up to my ratings, he would have gone straight down the sink and drank up all the drain.
“It has cost our company a lot of money this year, billions. Quite possibly no employee in the history of any company has cost their employer more than they cost my employer 24 years ago. Just from a pure mathematical standpoint, this was the worst decision Disney has ever made regarding employees. Not even the captain of the Exxon Valdez could have done more damage.”
“I’ve had four bosses [at ABC] – Bob, Bob, Bob and [current Disney CEO] Josh. Josh D’Amaro. As with all the shows you’ve watched previously it will be canceled by Damaro.
“This will be ABC’s first Super Bowl in 20 years, and we’re going to squeeze the joy out of it. We’re going to spend the entire year promoting what is already the most popular thing on Earth. And as if the country wasn’t already divided enough, we’re putting the game on Valentine’s Day just to be stupid. And let me tell you what this year’s halftime show will be like: the whitest thing you’ve ever seen. Goodbye, Bad Bunny. Welcome back, Town.”
“I was on Late Show Last Night with Stephen Colbert. As you know, CBS is moving the 11:35 p.m. time slot to the least likely timeslot to offend the president by reruns of the show. [Byron Allen’s] Comics unleashed From 2007 featuring Paula Poundstone and Andy Dick. Poor Stephen. It’s bad enough to lose your job. Imagine being replaced by the owner of the Weather Channel.
“You know, back in the day, I came here to make fun of other network shows. It was all very competitive, but now we’re like a bunch of dirty, hungry little Chihuahuas under the table waiting for a chicken leg to drop. For the first time, I think, I’m rooting for CBS. They’ve got a lot of great shows returning, and they’ve got some great new ones.” NCIS: New York Answers the question: What if LL Cool J teamed up with another white guy in a different city? …They do that too The price is right At night now. In the night edition, instead of a flat screen TV, the winner gets a BJ in the alley behind the studio.
“For the first time in 18 years, CBS isn’t number one in total viewers. NBC is number one. Are they saying it’s number one? Are you allowed to brag about being number one when it hosted the Olympics and the Super Bowl? Only if you get them back next year and you don’t.” NBC picked up Chicago fire, Chicago PD and Chicago Med. Seriously, is there someone at NBC fucking the mayor of Chicago?
“Meanwhile, poor Fox is in last place again, and their big plan to change that is a revival Baywatch. This is a reboot for those who watched the first 11 seasons of the series Baywatch “But this can’t be the whole story,” I thought.
“For us at ABC, with the exception of all domestic violence cases, we do a really great job. Dancing with the stars Sexier than your grandmother’s underwear on the Michael Bublé show. Rising It was among the most streamed shows among viewers under the age of 18. Young people love it RisingAnd do you know why? I’m actually asking. Why does anyone know why this happens?
“Now, for those of you lucky enough to not know what that means, Agentic AI is a collection of autonomous systems capable of planning, making decisions, and executing multi-step tasks to achieve specific goals with limited human oversight. That’s a fancy way of saying: You’re all wrong. They’ll use books and APIs to beat you up.”
