The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences doesn’t award an Emmy for most lavish depiction of drug use, but if it did, there would be at least three strong contenders this year. Season three of the HBO series trance It depicts Rowe and Faye suffocating on fentanyl balloons covered in Vaseline. Season 2 of Apple TV Your friends and neighbors It followed last year’s “Eight Ball Episode” with shady billionaire Owen Ash (a wonderfully bipolar James Marsden) consuming ketamine, ecstasy and blowjobs, as well as a whole lot of single malt scotch and other high-end alcoholic beverages being tossed around by the cast. (Ham’s character drinks higher quality things than his character mad men alter ego).
Then there’s Amazon Prime Spider Noir.
I’m convinced that the amount of whiskey consumed in each episode — set in Depression- and Prohibition-era New York, during the early 1930s — would be debilitating, if not toxic, to mere mortals.
I realized this while watching the very enjoyable series over the past few weeks. By the time I finished episode six, I had an increasingly visceral and unpleasant reaction to the copious whiskey drinking of Ben Reilly, the superhero’s alter ego (amazementHero?) Spider – played by Nicolas Cage in both cases – and other characters in multiple scenes. Whiskey is drunk in bars, villain hideouts, homes, offices, and even in your morning cup of coffee.
To be fair, heavy drinking is part and parcel of the storytelling. Riley suffers from severe PTSD, having witnessed horrific things in World War I – including an encounter that led to his transformation into a spider – and the death of his great love, Robbie. (Like the death of Gwen Stacy, the love interest of Peter Parker, the original Spider-Man from Marvel Comics, Ruby’s murder was related to her relationship, and his attempt to save her failed.)
I’m a former tabloid reporter who worked at a pre-digital company Page six, And drinking holes like the late, great Ellen’s Saloon in Manhattan played a major role in getting information and gossip from well-oiled sources. A few pops at the social events I covered also helped steel my nerve when I had to ask potentially infuriating questions of celebrities and tolerate hounds and flies dying to get into the pole.
This experience is why I marvel at the wild fluctuations that occur Spider Noirand the journalist in me wanted to determine the real-life effects of drinking like Ben Reilly and his group.
I suggested to the editors that I should find out. “let’s do it!” The reply came. “Don’t charge us for waste.”
I bought a bottle of Jameson whiskey and a breathalyzer from the pharmacy. You have finished the seventh episode of Spider Noir“No One’s a Hero”, and go drinking every time a character does the same. I like to take notes on my reactions as the show progresses. Since I don’t have a death wish, I limited myself to a 1 oz measurement. He is depicted instead of the glasses pictured in the series filled with one or two fingers, elegantly, of what I hope is caramel-colored water in the collection.
Initially, I was going to do a breathalyzer test after each round, but the instructions on the package stated that 20 minutes had to pass after drinking to get an accurate reading, and that you couldn’t eat or smoke either. This will have to wait.
Here’s what happened:
Opening scene
At The Alcove, the swanky pub owned by Irish crime lord and drug smuggler Silverman – played to perfection by Brendan Gleeson – the piano playing of charismatic singer Cat Hardy (Lee Jun Lee) turns into an increasingly angry noise. She feels guilty over revealing The Spider’s identity because in the previous episode she and Riley vowed to escape to Santorini, Greece. Although she doesn’t know it yet, he has been kidnapped as a result and subjected to crude experiments to determine the source of his powers. (I’m intentionally vague to avoid major spoilers.)
Kat took two large gulps of vodka. Although my favorite cocktail is a vodka martini—in and out vermouth, three olives—so do I no Mix spirits for this adventure. I take two pictures of Jameson. And away we go.
reaction: Smooth. A curtain of whiskey’s warmth began to cover my body.
2:07 into the episode: Silverman breaks into his club. “I need a drink,” he barks. “How ironic. There is a man who controls the flow of alcohol to a city of 7 million people, and yet my ring [his brogue leaves out the ‘h’] Dry as a camel’s hole in a sandstorm.” Silverman drinks. I take another shot.
reaction: Boy, three shots in less than three minutes. Pretty sure this is a personal speed record. I feel it in my stomach – in an alarming way.
3:17: “Another round?” Kat asks Silverman, “Does the king ride his sister?” He answers.
3:33 Cat hurt. I’m taking my fourth shot. this He should Set a personal speed record. “What are you fighting for?” She says. Silverman: “Fighting is the whole point. It’s what gives whiskey its flavor.” He doesn’t drink. You’ve jumped the gun.
reaction“A hot pinball straight to the stomach,” I write in my notes. A glass of water might help here, but no one enters Spider Noir They drink whiskey with water again. I am determined to do the same.
9:06: An anxious cat visits Riley’s private investigation office. It’s daytime. Riley Friday’s gal, Janet (Karen Rodriguez), a stubborn detective herself, is packing the place because Riley told her about him and Kat leaving town. Kat explains that Riley never showed up for their date. “It’s been days,” says Janet, who now feels just as anxious. Janet’s solution: “Do you want a drink? There’s probably still a bottle floating around here somewhere.” Kat turned her down, but Janet still fished out a fifth of the whiskey and squirted it into two glasses of water. I gulped shots five and six. Kat takes a sip of it, but the scene ends before Janet drinks it. I’d call that premature pop a buyback.
reaction: My eyebrows are hot. Slowed motor function. I misspelled some words while taking notes.
10:57: Ben Reilly sits in a windowless hall in what looks like South Street Harbor. Giant slow fans mounted in the walls provide glimpses of daylight. He drinks whiskey, what else, and wallows in the realization that Cat betrayed him. I take shot number seven. “Do you know anything about spider muscles, Eamonn,” asks the bartender (Michael Patrick McGill). Eamonn, who looks like a hunky young Rodney Dangerfield, says no. “It’s because they don’t have anything,” Reilly says. “They use a hydraulic system. They release fluids to move their legs.” Eamonn rolls his eyes. “Keep ’em coming,” Riley says. I throw my eighth shot.
reaction: I started to feel like I lacked muscle too. My notes say: “Head is hot.” “Buzzing.”
13:41: Six troublemakers pile into the bar. They have a bunch of cash. In an earlier scene, two supervillains controlled by Silverman — Flint Marko (Jack Huston) and Dirk Leyden (Andrew Lewis Caldwell), whom Spider-Man fans will know as Sandman and Megawatt — rob the mayor’s back-office campaign coffers and distribute money on the street as incentives to vote for his opponent (and Silverman’s new sycophant) in the upcoming election. One of the delinquents jostles Riley. The group begins tearing The Spider apart.
Hooligans 1: “Have you seen him lately?”
Hooligans 2: “He looks like my mom after 10 loads of laundry.”
Off camera hooligans: “I don’t know what he’s been doing for the past half-decade, but the years haven’t been good for him.”
Even after eight shots, I have enough to think about: Couldn’t that guy have just said, “For the past five years”? Bullies usually don’t talk unnecessarily.
An off-camera hooligan (I can no longer distinguish between sounds) uses the phrase “photo op.” What? “Nodding,” read my notes. Pause the video and do an online search. According to Oxford English Dictionarywas used “photo op” for the first time in 1981. After belching, I congratulate myself on noticing the anachronism in my changed state.
Replay the video. Riley signals for a reload. I’m taking a picture. This is the ninth. Dear Jesus, take the wheel.
reaction: “Misty,” the notes say. actually. When I replay the episode to check the time codes, I see that I missed two Skells racing through their whiskey.
My preoccupation with my increasing intoxication was broken by a tour de force moment by Nic Cage. “Maybe, maybe, maybe, the Spider is a man like everyone else,” he says to the powerful. “Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever wondered what?” for him Were the problems? He swings around burning buildings to save people…”
Cut to the rioters. They are vulgar.
The cage becomes a completely German expressionist. His face twists. His eyes are wild. “Do you think he’s feeling hot? Or sad?” It is pound tape. Restraint dissolves. “Or tired?!” He pounds the tape again. “or Lonely?!”
Cut back to the rioters. And they burst out laughing.
Riley staggers out of the bar, disgusted with the daylights. I got up from my chair to measure my balance. I’m not quite there but on my way.
Rosemary Clooney starts singing “Sway” on the soundtrack. Nice touch.
Outside the bar, Riley finds his spider hood in his coat pocket. A more primitive version of Peter Parker’s mask, it looks like a black knitted face mask with opaque white lenses that light up when in use. He also wears a fedora but doesn’t own one. He dons the mask and staggers back into the gloom of the bar.
“Hey, you’re the spider!” says one of the rioters.
A lot of web-slinging and ass-kicking ensue. “Web! Web! Web! Web! Web!” says Reilly, obsessed with machine gun style, leaving the delinquents cocooned and in various states of consciousness. Eamonn places a glass on the glass (“Putting a penis on the glass,” I wrote in my notes) and reaches for the bottle.
17:27: Cage puts his own rubber stamp on a vaudeville act of the era. Jimmy “The Great Schnozzola” Durante’s line, “Ha-cha-cha-cha!” He lifts his mask enough to reveal his mouth. When Peter Parker did this, it was usually to kiss Gwen Stacy, or later Mary Jane Watson. Riley’s love comes in a bottle. “This is on the house, mate,” Eamonn says as he pours another round. “To the victor go the spoils,” says Reilly. I skull my tenth shot.
reaction: This is no longer fun. Feeling cotton-headed and numb, I turn to the mirror. I narrowed my eyes; My face looks like I have full on rosacea.
17:44: Daily Trumpet Reporter and Spider-ally Robbie Robertson (Lamorne Morris), whose vibrant, super-flying costume makes a strong case for watching the series in “real” color rather than black and white — the viewer can switch back and forth — enters the bar and surveys the chaos. “Ah shit,” he says. “What the hell are you doing? Janet had me looking all over town for you.”
“I’m drinking. What’s it like?” Riley answers.
There’s an existential discussion about the price of being a superhero on a park bench overlooking the East River, and then Robertson drags Reilly into his office.
“Wait, are you yellow?” Janet says upon seeing her boss.
“What do you mean yellow? Like a coward?” Riley answers.
“No, like bananas,” she says.
I snore. In the previous episode, the scientist searches for the source of the spider’s supernatural powers and discovers it through a biopsy she takes. From his liver. His liver! Go, writer’s room! What will the liver biopsy reveal now?
As Riley recounts the events that led to his current condition, he inadvertently reveals that he is the Spider. He slaps his forehead. “Oopsie-poopsie,” he says to Janet. “I shouldn’t have told you that.”
“You already told me that,” Janet replied.
22:34: Cue three flashbacks. In First and Best, Janet walks in on Riley in a skeevy. The garters hold his socks up. He wears his spider glasses and fedora which are also part of his costume, but not his face mask. Bing Crosby sings, “Nice job if you can get it.”
“Ah, welcome, Madre!” Janet screams.
“I’m Spider, Janet,” Riley chants, waving a bottle of whiskey. “I am the spider.” I paused the video and laughed hard. I’m toasting Cage with shot number 11.
reaction: This one really burns. I feel nauseous. My notes say: “Knockout.” That would be 11 ounces of whiskey in my stomach.
The second flashback does not involve drinking. In the third clip, der Bingle is still on the soundtrack, and Janet walks in on Riley hanging from the ceiling using a Velcro-like spider grip. In his free hand, he holds a bottle of alcohol and drunkenly sings into it, “I’m your spider. Be my spider. To be real.” I realize that last lyric but the mind… doesn’t… work. I later looked it up, based on the observation, “70s song” and decided it was Sheryl Lynn’s 1978 hit, “Got to Be Real.” Riley doesn’t actually drink from a bottle, but I still drink my 12y shot. I don’t notice why.
reaction: Koffi. Is my hearing weak? Was that a grunt?
23:29 Janet pours Ben a cup of…tea? Making tea in my case would be disastrous, so I gratefully drink a cup of water.
25:46: Kat and Flint Marco are at her apartment. Although she agrees to run away with Riley, Marco is her true love, but he is irrevocably transformed into the Sandman. He knows he can’t stay with her. He’s also angry that she planned to run away with Riley. “There’s no coming back from this,” he told Kat. “This life has no taste now. It has no feeling.” There’s no drinking in this scene, but it pretty well sums up how I feel.
28:38 Silverman’s supermen distribute stolen bottles of Canadian whiskey to local law enforcement officers, once again asking them to vote for the mayor’s opponent. Nobody drinks though. In fact, no one drinks for the remaining 13 minutes or so in the episode. A big fight ensues – I won’t give away the score – and once the credits roll, I wait another 10 and give the breathalyzer a hard hit. I got a reading of 0.09 percent, but forgot to take a video for proof. I wait another 10 minutes and repeat the steps, this time while recording the procedure on video. This time I get 0.08 percent.
reaction: Based on how unsteady I felt and the amount of whiskey I consumed in less than half an hour, I’m surprised the number isn’t higher. While a blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent is the minimum for a DUI charge in New York and California, it is much lower than the previous alcohol test results of celebrity DUI recipients Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan and Haley Joel Osment, which were 0.12 percent or higher. Then again, I didn’t match the size of the characters being plunged into their holes.
I want to curl up in the fetal position but I’m quickly transported back to another type of alcohol-fueled entertainment, 1987. Barflywritten by Charles Bukowski—essentially, based on his life—and starring Mickey Rourke. I realize I need fuel. Using my McDonald’s app, I order a Big Mac and six chicken nuggets. When the bag arrives, there’s also a McCrispy’s Chicken Sandwich inside. I eat that too. The tank is full.
reaction: What did you learn from this trip? I’m not a spider, Janet.
