Former Indian pacer Laxman Sivaramakrishnan has spoken of a period when he “didn’t want to see himself in the mirror” and felt like he was “going to die”, describing his breakdown during his time as a commentator and linking it to years of racism and colour-based remarks.Sivaramakrishnan, who played 25 international matches for India during his five-year career, said the suffering became severe during the Indian Premier League, which was held in the UAE during the coronavirus lockdown. “I was completely frustrated and didn’t want to see myself in the mirror. I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I couldn’t handle anything. Whenever I woke up, I thought I was going to die.”He described how his routine collapsed during that stage. He closed himself inside and lost track of time.
“Sometimes when we were traveling in Dubai, there was no speed limit. If the car was going too fast, something in my mind would tell me to open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything silly,” the former Indian sprinter said while talking to the Indian Express.Sleeping became difficult, with frequent hallucinations. “You close your eyes, and you see images you can’t imagine. They’re all very scary.
You open your eyes, there’s nothing. But you’re so tired you want to sleep. Close your eyes for a while, then open your eyes again. So your sleep goes. He said alcohol made the situation worse. “Every time, you get more and more entangled. And the whole world is out there saying, ‘See, I told you.’
“Alcohol is the reason I told you’.”Sivaramakrishnan said that even during his 23-year stint as a commentator, the issue of appearance affected opportunities. “I had never done a casting or a pitch. I asked one of the producers why. He said, ‘We were instructed by our bosses not to put you on.’ They said it was about me not looking good.” He added, “The most attractive and best in this field is Vijay Amritraj. Isn’t he dark?”He traced these experiences back to his early years in cricket.
At the age of 14, while working as a netball player in Chibok, he remembers mistaking one of the senior players for grounds crew. “I just looked at him and said, ‘This is none of my business,'” he said while talking to The Indian Express.He also spoke about the painful ordeal of racism within the Indian dressing room.Having previously been part of the Indian team that toured Pakistan, Sivaramakrishnan made his Test debut in Antigua in April 1983, where he was the youngest player to play Test cricket for India at the age of 17 years and 118 days.The former Indian pacer revealed that he spent more time in the West Indies dressing room during the 1983 tour where he made his debut in the Antigua Test.
He watches
EXCLUSIVE: Rahul Dravid talks about the famous Eden Gardens win over Australia in 2001
He said such comments affected his confidence over time. “Because of my depression, people would reject me. There was a feeling of pain every time this happened. I always wanted to forget, forget, forget, but deep down, it was always ingrained and coming up. All of these things put me in a position where my self-esteem was very low at a young age… and it’s very difficult to build confidence.”In contrast, he said he found acceptance during the West Indies tour. He spent time with players such as Malcolm Marshall and Desmond Haynes, who regularly took him out. “Everyone had dark skin. They were very happy people,” he said.He also recalled a conversation with Gordon Greenidge, who spoke of facing similar problems in England. “He told me personally that this is what I went through in England, that’s why I mind my business and play cricket and leave.”